


The Circle of Life

by Arinya



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Alternate Reality, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-04
Updated: 2015-03-04
Packaged: 2018-03-16 08:04:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,298
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3480605
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arinya/pseuds/Arinya
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shizuo is hospitalized. After being outside for a bit, he enters the wrong room and "meets" Izaya who is in a coma.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Reviews are very welcome! Just a few words would make me very happy and I really appreciate advice as well.  
> Thanks in advance and have fun reading!

When I woke up, I realised that I was still in one of the hospitals in Ikebukuro. The familiar uncomfortable, sterile white bed was giving me a morning greeting in the form of a backache. The walls and ceiling were an ugly white as well. I had to stay there for a few days more. The doctor said that I would be allowed to walk today if the results of my check-up were okay, but in the meanwhile I had to use a damn wheelchair. How I hated that thing. If they denied me walking that day, I swore to myself that I would break that fucking four-wheeler!

My shitty room wasn't getting any better, so I sat down in that hated thing and rolled outside, towards the garden. The hospital was in a quiet part of Ikebukuro, though it was never really quiet there either, but at least the sounds of cars and masses of people were only a background sound. After having enjoyed the scenery for long enough, my stomach started grumbling. Because my wallet was still in my room, I decided to head there first and then to the cafeteria. Of course there were normal meals served to the patients in the hospital but I would never eat that crap. I took the elevator and after having passed two corners and three rooms, I realised that I was on the wrong floor. The door I had already opened didn't show me my room but one with only one unknown person lying in it.

That person seemed to be around my age but the difference between us was that he was unconscious and several machines were connected to him by wires and he was receiving an intravenous therapy as well. He couldn't even breathe by himself. That was when I thought that it might not be so bad to sit in this rolling chair just for another day or two. A few moments went by and I was still staring at that patient. He was definitely the good-looking type. Before he came here, he had probably spent a lot of time in front of the mirror, admiring himself, his slim but muscular build, his brown hair and smooth sk – ! What the hell was I thinking about? I shouldn't have been there. I wouldn't like others watching me if I were in his position.

Why was he here anyway? A sickness? An accident? Or maybe even a suicide attempt? I couldn't make it out just from watching him from the door. Should I get closer? . . . Why was I still there? I had wanted to go ages ago, right? What was so interesting in that person? Anyway, after I took a quick look, I would definitely – 100% – leave there and roll back to my own room. So I entered, closed the door behind me and moved to the end of his bed where the medical cart was. Looking at it didn't help me at all. I didn't know what that weird-sounding diagnosis meant. I was not even sure if I had read it right. The doctor in charge here should've really – I mean REALLY really – gone back to the elementary school at least once to learn how to write legibly! Well, just taking another look at the patient would probably help my curiosity as well. Maybe I would get a hint if I could look at his face?

No sign of anything. The only visible thing was the most beautiful person I had seen so far. I wished he'd open his eyes. They had to be amazingly beautiful as well. Which color would they be? Would they be brown like his hair? Grey would suit him perfectly as well. What kind of person he was, what hobbies he had and many other unanswered questions shot through my head while I continued to simply look at him. He was like a complicated puzzle which I wasn't able to solve. Of course – normally – I would destroy a puzzle right away since I wasn't a patient person but that sleeping beauty in front of me only awoke my interest more and more. In fact I was so fascinated by him that I couldn't even hear the door opening.

"What are you doing in here?"

Those words called me back to reality and came from a guy wearing a white coat.

"Ah, I am sorry, doctor. Actually I am currently staying in room 107 on the fifth floor. It seems I messed the floors up. I was on my way outside again but as you see, turning around takes some more effort for the current me. I am still not used to the wheelchair."

"This room may be room number 107 as well but this is the fourth floor, the intensive care unit. You shouldn't even be able to enter this area since there is a door keeping outsiders out."

"A door? I haven't used any doors but this one here. Maybe it was open? Anyway, I should better leave if it's the intensive care. Once again, I am very sorry about that."

Rolling back through the corridors, into the elevator, exiting it on the right floor and entering my own room was something I did without thinking about it, since my thoughts were still thinking about that brown haired guy. On the name plate in front of the room, the name Orihara Izaya was written. Hopefully, he would get well soon.

The days went by and my discharge got closer and closer. I was finally allowed to walk around. Every day I ended up in front of the closed intensive care door at least three times. I still didn't understand why but I was drawn to that person. I wanted to know if there were changes in his health or if he even had woken up. It was astonishing how that one meeting could change my pace so completely. I hadn't been outside at all. If I wanted to have a change of the scenery, I always ended up passing the corridor which led to his room. Even though I couldn't visit him, I still had to go there to put my mind at some kind of ease.

On the fifth day after meeting him, Ms. Alita - a nurse who had noticed my behavior - asked me if it had a special reason for me turning up in front of the intensive care unit so regularly. After searching for the right way to answer, I said:

"A few days ago I messed up the floor and ended up in a room of the intensive care. There was a young man lying in there connected to a lot of machines. I am just wondering if his condition is already better. I am not acquainted with him in any way but I can't get my mind off of it."

"Well, if you can tell me the room number or his name, I can take a look and see how he is doing though I won't be able to tell you any details."

"That would be more than enough. Please do so!" I answered instantly. I was so grateful that I even forgot to blame those damn privacy policies.

When Ms. Alita came back, she had a troubled look in her face.

"I am sorry to tell you that the chances of Mr. Orihara's recovery are almost zero. He is already hospitalized for quite some time and only his family willing to pay for his hospital bill is keeping him alive. I am really sorry but that is already more than I am allowed to tell you."

She looked sincere while telling me all this and I managed to thank her for giving me that information. Shocked and with the feeling of wanting to cry or kill someone, I escaped the hospital and walked around in the neighborhood, trying desperately to clear my head.

In the end I was only able to calm down slightly and, in addition to that, I had gotten depressed and restless at the same time. It was highly unusual for me to feel that way. To feel anger or frustration was more like me. When I arrived at the hospital, my legs were aching quite a bit. I had been running around too much for my condition. When I was near my room, someone called out for me.

"Mr. Heiwajima! You don't look that well. Since you're a patient, you need to take better care of yourself!"

I turned around and saw Ms. Alita standing a few meters behind me.

"Yeah, I'm sorry but I just had to go out for a while."

"Are you that worried about that young man?"

"It seems like it," I answered truthfully and let out a sigh.

"Well, I can't promise you anything but if you rest properly for today and you feel like walking around on the fourth floor again tomorrow in the afternoon, there might be a door standing open. Maybe that would help you with your current troubles."

She showed me a warm and understanding smile. Not so much the smile but the possibility to see that person again, made my heart feel lighter. I smiled back, thanked her once again and left for my bed. I couldn't wait for the next day and decided to sleep early. Of course it didn't go my way but eventually the night, the morning and the noon came and went by.

I was greeted by Ms. Alita with the words:

"You have to wait a bit more, I am sorry. His family is visiting…"

"Oh, okay. Then I wait over there."

I pointed at a bench on the other side of the corridor. "I don't know how long they're going to stay."

"It's fine. I'll wait."

About half an hour later, a middle-aged woman and two girls came out of the intensive care. One of the girls was talking lively while the other one was more the silent type but both of them were definitely related to him. I wondered which one of them resembled his character more.

"Mr. Heiwajima? You can come in now. Make sure no one sees you and, if you get caught, I know nothing!"

"I am in your debt."

"The doc might come in around 5 pm. Make sure you're gone by then."

I nodded and hurried to the place I had wanted to go for the last several days: next to the bed of the person called Orihara Izaya. When I arrived at his side, everything was still like it had been before. Snow White was still sleeping like death after eating the poisoned apple and the only difference was that even a prince wouldn't be able to wake her up. Was there anyone who loved him enough to try kissing him at least once to make sure? I wanted to be sure – to make sure – of it. Should I do it? I couldn't ask another person to do it since nobody knew I was here. It wouldn't hurt him if I took away the respiratory mask just for a second and give him a small kiss, right? But, but if it was so, what then? In the end I was so nervous that I only held his hand. It was warm and soft unlike mine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Alita" is the nickname of a great friend of mine. I just wanted to show my love for her and she is a nurse in real life as well, so I couldn't help myself and added her. I hope you can forgive me for that.


	2. Chapter 2

It was neither dark nor bright, neither hot nor cold and I wasn't afraid or happy. It was simply a state of nothingness in which I had lived in for an uncertain amount of time. How long had it been this way? I couldn't tell. The last thing I remembered was… What was it again? Autumn? I remembered being in high school but that was about it. Never mind. More importantly was finding out whether I was still alive or already dead. I couldn't open my eyes or move my body even though I tried, so I was either sleeping, in a coma or already buried six feet under. In the case of being asleep, I should wake up in a few hours so it was something I could only prove then. If I was already dead, I would definitely be in my own personal hell since I wouldn't be able to communicate with anyone. In the end there was nothing I could do in my current situation but to wait.

Time went by and I was able to ascertain myself that I wasn't asleep or dead since I was able to hear voices from time to time. I couldn't hear them clearly – it felt like listening to a radio with bad reception – but it was at least something. There was a chance for me to wake up sooner or later. That had to be enough at the time but it couldn't keep me from being bored. Not being able to do anything at all made me feel restless. The times when I heard people speaking was rare and having nothing to do, I started to count humans like sheep: 451 models, 17 Christians, 3285 Malaysians, etc. When I was at 347198 Nahuatl speakers, something changed. Somebody was speaking to me and I was able to hear that person speaking clearly. I didn't know the voice. It had to be someone I never talked to before. He gained my interest with knowing only that.

At first he was mostly quiet and only talked about unimportant stuff like the weather but each time he visited, it got more personal. He was in high school like me and the reason for him being in the hospital was a fight with some gang. They had ambushed him and the result was that he did win the fight but at the same time he had received several wounds as well and some had been internal which led to his current stay in the hospital. He was already able to walk around again and would be discharged soon and it probably would get harder for him to drop by then. On the second visit, I finally learned that he was called Shizuo. Heiwajima Shizuo. The first time he came by, he probably introduced himself as well but I wasn't able to hear it then. Not that something like that really mattered but I felt happy to be able to form a stronger bond with that unknown person. Partly, of course, was because he was the only person I could listen to without problems and partly because this person felt strangely familiar even though I was sure I had never met him before. When he had to leave, I fell into a state of loneliness, depressed and highly anticipatting his next visit. In my current state, Shizuo was like a drug to me. I needed it but at the same time I feared that it would run out one day and never come back.

It was the day of my discharge. I was already at home and my parents had bought a cherry cake to celebrate it but I didn't feel like celebrating at all. It was laughable. Two weeks ago, I had hated everything about the hospital and now my thoughts were circulating how to get back in again. Not as a patient of course but it would be complicated to simply walk around there without a real reason day after day. Miss Alita wasn't able to help me out that much either. She had already risked her job several times. I probably should buy her a bunch of flowers which extended my monthly allowance. No, I couldn't make more trouble for her and so I decided on choosing the one option left. I ended up eating the cake with the speed of light and impatiently waited for my family to finish up as well. Then I went online and I found the wanted address right away. I ran down the stairs and took the next bus to the other

side of Ikebukuro. Arriving there, I searched for the right house and - without thinking twice - I rang the bell belonging to the Orihara family. One of the twin girls opened the door and seeing the question mark in her face, I stuttered my name and asked if it was alright to meet her parents. She agreed and went to get them while I was still standing in front of the door. I suddenly had no idea what the heck I was doing there and what I was supposed to say to them. After greeting Ms. Orihara, we went to the living room together.

"So, what brings you here?" she asked in a friendly manner.

"I don't know how to say this well, so, ehm, well…" I was nervously playing with my fingers but then I took a deep breath, cleared my throat and continued speaking.

"I was hospitalized until today in the same hospital as your son and some days ago I accidentally ended up in his room instead of mine. I had been on the fifth floor and accidentally got off in the fourth. It was really not my intention…"

I shyly looked into her eyes and she looked right back at me.

"If it was just an accident and you did him no harm so you didn't have to come here especially to tell me just that, right?" It was more of a statement than a question.

"You're right but since then I am kinda concerned about him and would like to give him a visit from time to time but as an outsider I am not allowed to go there. I would really… I mean if you don't mind it, if you could please agree to it, I would like to go and visit him from time to time."

"Thank you for your concern but it won't do you any good to visit him." Seeing my puzzled face, she added: "You coming here and asking me shows that you really care about him and I am truly glad about that but he has been in a coma for quite some time. The doctors said it's best to not wait for him to wake up anymore as well. He is my beloved son and it's my duty as mother to keep on hoping. You are leading a happy life, you hopefully have a bright future and there is no need for you to suffer the same way we do."

She was nice, almost too nice to me. On the one hand I was relieved since it made it easier to talk to her but on the other hand she might not give her approval because of it as well.

"May I ask why he is in a coma?"

"He suffered from anaphylactic shock which led to the failure of several organs. They were able to somehow keep him alive but he hasn't woken up once since then."

"And how are the chances of him recovering?"

The look in the woman's eyes changed slightly and just for a short moment, I could feel how much she suffered.

"They said that his chances of waking up were about 20% at first but the longer he is in a coma the worse his chances get. Now they are already less than 3%. You're really better off to not concern yourself with him more than you already have."

Since I had already known that the probability of Izaya waking up was slim thanks to Ms. Alita, I wasn't surprised but it still shocked me. How could anyone die from an allergic reaction? I had seen several people having allergies to pollen and whatever but I had never heard of such a strong reaction before. Well, there was nothing I could do about the whole thing either way.

"You say I shouldn't concern myself with him but the chances for him to wake up aren't zero right? I mean even though it doesn't look good and even if he doesn't wake up, it would really mean a lot to me if I could get your approval. For me it doesn't matter if his chances are slim or not since I can't get him out of my head anymore. I wouldn't have come here if it wasn't the case and I apologize for making you talk about all this. Please, let me visit him."

I had tried to be as convincing as I could but my heart beat quickly and I feared the answer.

"Alright, I will grant your wish and contact the hospital tomorrow. It would have been great if Izaya and you had met each other earlier. You probably would have become good friends."

Her smile was bright and warm but it didn't reach her eyes.

"I don't know how to thank you."

"Then don't thank me because I don't think I did you a favor with this. I on the other hand am grateful that someone else cares as much as we do but you better return home now. You were a patient just some days ago as well, right?"

I felt the blood rushing into my cheeks. I somehow felt praised by her words. Some more words and a good bye later, I was on my way home.

Soon he would come back to me. Soon he would come and visit. I just had to wait a bit more. Being separated from the rest of the world slowly drove me crazy. If it weren't for those visits, I probably would already be beyond help anymore. His dropping by and talking to me even though I wasn't able to answer kept me sane. Would he come today? He simply had to come today. Shizuo hadn't been here yesterday because of his discharge but he promised to make up for it. Why couldn't I just wake up already? I've been in this state for long enough now. Let me be crushed to pieces, I didn't care as long as I was able to open my eyes and talk. How long would he continue to drop by if my situation stayed the way it was? Now that he had been released from the hospital, he could resume living his usual life, meet his friends and whatnot. I was a stranger. I wasn't able to answer him. There was no logic reason for him to visit me. Shit. I really had to wake up at all costs. Continuing with my dark thoughts, I nearly missed a now familiar voice. If my mind were properly connected to my body, my heart would have skipped a beat because I was so damn happy to have him talk to me again.

"Hey, here I am again. If you can hear me, you probably already get bored by it but just in case, I am Heiwajima Shizuo. I've come here for some days now, but today is a special day. It's the first day I am allowed to come here. Yesterday, after I had left the hospital, I went to your family's home and asked your mom if she would be so kind to get me some kind of permission so that I could continue visiting you. I told her how I met you here and she wasn't happy about it but she called the hospital and said that I was a cousin of yours. So, here I am: your new fake family member. How do you like that?"

He was definitely crazy. His voice was clearly happy about him being able to visit me. I didn't mind it. It made me just as happy since it meant that at least for now he would continue to come. Too bad I couldn't even change my heartbeats to show him through the ECG that I care. Knowing him, he probably would misread the whole situation and get a doctor as soon as possible though. That was a somehow cute side of him.

"I asked for your condition as well. She said the chance for you to wake up is really low. If you still plan on waking up, you should hurry up and do so."

If I could, I would. Thanks for these nice and motivating words.

"Now to today's weather report: It's cloudy, windy, about 23°C and it looks like it will rain as well. At least the birds on the tree next to the window are chirping like crazy but if you hear me, you probably hear them as well."

I couldn't but I didn't care long as I was able to hear him and I would rather hear more about him since I wasn't even able to see what he looked like.

"Soon, I have to go to school again. I don't think I can drop by everyday but I still will come by as often as I can."

That was obvious. He wanted to see his friends after all. I was jealous of them.

"This morning, I watched some TV out of boredom. I actually watched some weird remake of the Power Rangers. As child, I loved to watch it but now I think like how I could ever like that crap. I mean how they move looks so idiotic and I asked myself…"

It was great to listen to him while he talked about seemingly boring things. Everything he talked about showed me a bit more of his personality. He was a very caring and warm person and I couldn't help but to feel attracted to him.

Regardless of my fears, he continued visiting regularly and stayed as long as possible. He talked about everything in his life. After a month, I was sure that I never knew a person this well. Once he even told me about how others said, he shouldn't come here anymore. His friends felt being neglected and his family worried about him as well. They had said that it wasn't normal to visit a stranger. I could only agree but he thought differently. He suddenly sounded as if he was about to cry and confessed to me in a low voice, that he felt strongly for me and he couldn't stop himself from going to his room and even though he didn't really knew me, he was sure that even if I were to wake up and had a horrible personality, he would still think the same.

I was glad that he was drawn to me as much as I was drawn to him. At least that is what I had thought at that time. The months went by and Shizuo started changing. He wasn't as cheerful anymore. Sometimes he even seemed to be depressed. On December 25th he dropped by as well. The day which was spent either with family, friends or a girlfriend, he spent in the hospital by my side. If the previous months weren't already a love confession, this definitely was. He appeared to be cheerful and happily wished me a Merry Christmas and talked about presents he got and those he gave himself but when the time came for him to go, his voice was filled with tears when he spoke.

"I just have one wish this year. Please wake up. Let me hear your voice just once. A sentence, even one word would make me happier than anyone. Please just this once. I am lonely but I can't leave you alone. I am frustrated and angry but I can't blame you. I am in love but I can't even tell you. Just one minute, a moment… just enough to hear me out, just to see if you care and then you can go back to sleep if you want. Please, I beg you…"

I was torn up by his words. In all this time I had come to love him as much as he loved me. He wasn't able to see what I felt. I wasn't able to express what I felt. It was as unlikely as before that I would ever regain consciousness and time made us feel even worse. It probably was only a matter of time until we both lost completely. Since I couldn't fulfill his wishes and since I really loved him from the bottom of my heart, I wished for the only solution.


	3. Chapter 3

It was Christmas. I heard that Izaya's family wasn't going to visit him, so I decided to visit him instead. Partly it was because of my longing to see him and on the other hand to not make him feel lonely – him, a person who was lying there all day, not reacting to anything. A person only linked to life by all those machines, lying there for god knows how long. Was he still there or was his body only an empty shell waiting to die? No, stop it. That's just… he is still alive. I have to believe in that. He will wake up. He will look at me with his own eyes and I will welcome him back. There is no need to think of other options. I have to believe he will wake up sooner or later.

The visit was like the usual ones. I told him about what day is, that I had seen kids playing in the snow together with their parents, lovers taking walks in the more silent regions of the city and how I had spent my Christmas together with my parents and my younger brother. The difference between my visits several months ago and now was that most of the time I was talking to him, I was looking outside the window, not at his face anymore. It hurt to see him not react in any way. His body moved according to the machine which filled him with air to breathe but that was it. I was almost out of stories to tell him as well. I didn't know what to do next. I wanted to be closer, much closer to him. I wanted to know the expressions on his face talking, laughing and crying. I wanted to be the reason for all that. I wanted to be the center of his life. All those things were impossible as he stayed that way. That was another reason for me distancing myself from him and staring somewhere else. I had the feeling that I would do something horrible to him if he and I stayed the way we were – he helplessly lying there and I helplessly in love, longing to connect with him in every way possible.

Damn, I had forgotten what I was talking about. Looking at the time, I had to go soon as well. Shit. I – what am I supposed to say now? I look at him. It's Christmas and I still haven't received a present from him. What I wished for most, what was it? And then, before I had realized it, I had already spoken all my thoughts out loud. I had lost control. There I was lying with my upper body, crying and holding his hand as if that would make a difference, as if I could transfer my message to him this way and as if to hold myself above the surface while drowning. Through watery eyes, I looked at him, hoped I would get a reaction – nothing much, just something – but I got nothing. I took Izaya's hand up and kissed it. It tasted a bit salty and a lot like hospital. Only when my lips touched him, I realized something else. His hand was neither hot nor cold. It had a neutral temperature. That was what really got me. I began to start losing control again. Usually neither hot nor cold was a sign of good health one could say. To me it felt like a rejection. My emotions and actions had done nothing to him. It pissed me off. I took his face into my hands, kissed his cheek, took his mask away and kissed him on the mouth – softly at first, then aggressive. Tears ran down on both sides of his face into his hair and ears. They were mine. I only stopped when I heard the machine next to me – the weird thing which records the heartbeats – started to sound differently. Suddenly in panic, I put the mask back where it belonged and shortly after, his heart beat regularly again. Sighing in relief, I put my hands between my arms and hated myself.

It was clearly visible that Ms. Orihara's words had been right. It wasn't good for me to be here and I would only suffer more if I continued to visit but if I had been able to get him out of my head, if I had been able to forget his raven colored hair or his beautiful face for even a moment, I would already have gone back to my previous life. After every visit, I felt nothing but emptiness. I always wanted to turn around and go back. He was my drug and I had forgotten how to live without it. Even if I could avoid coming here for a day, a week or a month, I would surely coming back and think of nothing but him in between. What the hell was interesting about that damn puppet anyway? I was still unable to answer that question. Another look at the clock told me that visiting time was over. I had to go. It took me all my strength to get up and leave the room. The last words I said to him were: "See you tomorrow." In the morning of the 26th December, I got a call from Ms. Orihara saying that the person I loved had passed away. Upon hearing those words, my world lost all its colors.

I forgot what exactly happened in the following days after I got that shattering message. I went to the funeral but otherwise I was more like a living corpse than anything else. My family got seriously worried and tried to help but there was nothing what could cheer me up. I went to school but I stayed by myself. Even my closer friends gave me up at some point. They simply couldn't understand nor deal with what I was going through. I was thankful for all of them trying really hard for my sake but what I wanted wasn't anything they were able to give. I wanted him back. I missed him. A few days after his funeral, I had dreamed of him walking beside me and talking to me. When I woke up, I realized that I hadn't been able to see the color of his eyes even though he had been so close and I was unable to recall his voice. That was the point when I started laughing like crazy. How stupid for me to like him though I hadn't even spoken with once? Once I stopped laughing, I started crying.

A few days later, I visited Izaya's grave. Being there calmed my distraught feelings down. A lot of flowers in all possible colors were still lying next to his gravestone but they had already started to wither. It hurt to see the stone with his name engraved but on the other hand I had proof for his existence and being in front of his grave was as close as I could get. I wanted to stay here forever. I didn't want to leave him again but a person who starts living on a graveyard would most likely end up in a mental hospital. For an instant I thought that it might be the best thing for me since it looked like hopeless cases were my type. There should be enough of those in such an institution. In the next second I was sure to never find a person like him again and felt like dying. A world without him made no sense. Breaking down once again, I stayed on the graveyard for quite some time. It was already dark when I was in condition to go home. From that day onwards I visited Izaya – or, to be more exact, his grave – as much as I visited him in the hospital before. As before I started talking to him again like I did in the hospital and probably because of this steady and almost daily ritual I started on living an almost normal live again. A major part of me was still like dead but I actually anticipated the visits.

Time went by and I started to talk to my friends again. We even went out sometimes though I never once forgot to visit his grave. Soon I had to decide on what I wanted to do in the future. For a moment I thought about a career as doctor but then I realized that my grades wouldn't be good enough and the only person I really wanted to help was already gone. Even if I had taken that fact as a motivation to help others to not have the same fate, I probably wouldn't be able to look in their happy faces and even less in those whom I was unable to help. Since I wanted a job with a steady salary which would put my parents at ease, I chose to be an office clerk. I studied like hell to get good enough grades to actually follow this path and somehow it went well and in the end I got a job. From then on I started living alone and worked from the early morning to the late evening, went to the grave, grabbed something to eat on the way home and continued this routine day after day. On the weekends I visited my parents, my brother or my friends and after having done my deeds I returned to the graveyard to spend my favorite hours in tranquility talking to my one important person.

Weeks turned into months, months turned into years and soon I was a middle aged guy in his thirties who hadn't shown a real smile for more than half of his life but I was a master at showing the fake version. If a person who saw through it existed, he or she never mentioned it. Several times one of the female coworkers or friends made it clear that they were interested in me but I always refused politely. I had gone out with some girls and even a guy several years ago but when I woke up next to them, I was always feeling worse than before. The hope of seeing him next to me when opening the eyes and the reality I woke was so frustrating that I gave it up. I simply came to prefer being alone.

One fateful day I was having lunch in a restaurant in my break. I sat at a small table near the windows, read some boring news about an even less interesting politician who wanted to rise the age of retirement. The coffee was getting colder but that wasn't really a problem because I doubted it could taste any worse. This restaurant was definitely not one of the better ones but it was close to my workplace and cheap. It was raining outside and a lot more people than usual were there. I had just finished my lasagna and a sea of vegetable oil was happily sloshing around on my plate, causing me to think of searching for a better place at which to eat when the door opened once again to give the entering people a warm refuge from the rain. Not even a minute later a lively voice asked if the other chair was still free. I didn't look up from my newspaper but said that it wasn't taken. The other person sat down and after finishing reading one of the other useless articles, I decided it wouldn't be polite to hide behind it. My break was almost over anyway and I could go back to work as well. The weather wouldn't change that fast either way. After I had folded the paper and put it away, I looked at the person in front of me for the first time.

The boy was a teenager, around 16 years old, and gave me an intense look with his crimson eyes. His head rested on one of his arms and his lips were formed into a deceiving smile which was directed at me. The hair was a bit shorter than I had remembered it but it had the same raven color. Together with his facial features, his face made me feel like living in a daydream. Below the table I pinched myself in the left hand as strongly as I could but the illusion in front of me didn't vanish nor did it change its shape. Thoughts of him being a clone or a doppelganger crossed my mind. His smile widened. I had probably made some weird faces in the last seconds but I was so shocked I didn't care about that and even less did I care about my heart jumping around wildly in my chest. What to do? I wanted to start a conversation. I wanted to talk to him even if he wasn't real, even if I would end up in a mental hospital for the rest of my life.

"What's your name?" What a lame question right from the start. Why must I mess up the whole thing that quickly? It would have been better if I had started talking about the weather!

"One should introduce himself before-"

"Heiwajima, Shizuo," I answered before he could finish his sentence.

"Nakura Izaya."

He still had that mischievous smile on his face. I couldn't say why but I got the feeling that he was as interested in me as I was in him. That or he just enjoyed starting at people. A waitress came to our table and asked that doppelganger version with the same name as him what he wanted to order. Either my hallucination was reaching a new level or he was real.

From far away I had been able to hear Shizuo's voice telling me "Goodbye" but instead of being alone for the night, someone else had come to visit me.

"Who are you?" I asked the being which had appeared in my sight. I, who wasn't able to even open my eyes, saw this person as if she was standing right in front of me.

"I'm Ruby." She said in a high pitched voice.

"You look more like a Sarah to me, Sarah."

Though the person I really wanted to talk to wasn't in front of me, it was such a relief to finally be able to speak with someone that I couldn't stop myself from making stupid jokes.

"Please call me by my name."

"I am already doing that. I named you Sarah, so I'm gonna call you that," her skin color was light enough to be a European or American girl so why not giving her a name which fitted her better? There was no visible part of her looking red either – even her lips where white like snow.

"Well, whatever."

So she got bored of it already. Well it wasn't really good either way. It was better for me to state the obvious things as soon as possible.

"So why are you here, Sarah? Has my time finally come?"

"Yeah, I'm here to get you." What a boring answer.

"Nee, don't I get a last wish or something before dying?"

"No. Is there something you wish for?"

"There is. Can't I just wake up once before I die?"

"Sadly, that's not possible. I'm sorry."

For the first time she showed something like an emotion. It seemed to be concern. Maybe I was able to use that somehow.

"Is there really no way? I heard about people who were already thought as dead, being still alive even though they already had been brought to the morgue. "

"Those were people who went back on their own accord. I advise you to not do the same."  
It was good to know that there was a way for me to return to the living world but her voice was filled with a mixture of pity and anger so I decided to at least get to know why it was a bad idea to do it.

"Why shouldn't I? I mean, I would be able to live for some more, right?"

"That's true but those people defied their destiny, they are no longer able to go to heaven nor will you be able to be reborn."

"I can be reborn?"

Though being reborn would cost me years, it was probably better than the other option.

"Yes, but like everything it's not working without paying a price. You won't be able to remember anything and start as a new person."

"Would I be able to meet people from the life I had up until now?"

"Maybe, it depends on your luck."

"Well, isn't there a way to make sure that I'll meet him in my next life?"

I was getting impatient. Couldn't she just hurry up and tell me everything?

Ruby hesitated for a moment and then she answered: "If you're willing to pay another price, it should be possible."

I probably would pay anything to meet with that one guy but it would be unwise to just say that.

"And that would be?"

"I don't know. It could be almost everything. For example, you could be born with a heart disease or your family circumstances might be troublesome. Additionally, there is no guarantee for when you'll meet up. It could be only once when you're still a baby or when he is already on his deathbed. You could wish for more details but then you'll have to pay with an even higher amount so choose wisely. If you're not willing to pay for it, you may wait for him in heaven."

"Thanks, but I am not that patient and it's not said that he will choose heaven even if he gets the chance to. Can I choose what I want to pay with?"

The reason for that question was that I couldn't afford being blind or deaf because I wanted to see and hear him. I was sure that he would grab my attention if I just saw him once.

"If the amount is right, you can."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanted to mention that I am very sorry about Izaya's "new" family name but I wanted to use something connected to Durarara! and not just take a random name...


	4. Chapter 4

"Is it alright for me to think about it for a while?"

"It is, but I don't have all the time in the world. I need to resume my work. When you're done, go to the gatekeeper. He'll be deciding if your wishes will be granted."

With that said, she turned around and in a blink of an eye, she was gone. I sat down on a fragile looking chair and thought about what I wanted and what I was willing to offer for it. First and foremost was meeting that one guy with that incomparable voice. He'd be around 30 – almost a geezer – by the time I'd be able to actively search for him, maybe even older by the time I'd find him. After more than ten years, he'd probably have moved on and be married with kids of his own. Realizing that hurt somehow. It hurt badly but there was nothing I could do about it since I was the one who had left him. I was the one who had decided it was time for me to leave him because it hurt so much seeing him in pain. Still, I wanted to see him and at least spend some time with him. What about a guarantee that we'd both be alive for at least... lets say 10 years after we meet so that we'd have a chance to be friends? Wouldn't that be enough? Ten whole years... that would be awesome. And there was another thing I desperately needed. Even without my memories I was sure to recognize him, but I wanted them anyway. Not one person on the planet could match the selflessness he had shown to me when I had been in my coma. To truly appreciate what he had done, I needed at least those memories to stay intact. That should be it: 1. meeting him, 2. being able to stay with him, and 3. remembering him. Now, what would be an appropriate payment for those requests?

Even though I put all my efforts into bargaining with the gatekeeper, it ended up being quite expensive. Either way my terms were finally met and nothing would stand in the way of me meeting that mysterious person who sat by my bedside day after day. Soon after, I was reborn and grew up in a loving family. I didn't have any siblings nor many friends but I was happy anyway. There was just this one feeling. The feeling of longing for something unreachable which kept me on my feet, endlessly wandering through the big city. My explorations were disguised as jogging, using 'wanting to be in shape' as an excuse. Until I was choosing my High School, I never really had asked for anything from my new parents, but then I wished to enter the Raira Academy. The school was in the same city, to be exact in Ikebukuro, and I couldn't even pinpoint what drew me to that part of Tokyo but I knew I had to go there. It would take me over an hour to get to it and so it was decided that I would get my own apartment. My parents paid for the apartment while I worked part time after school to cover the living expenses and had only time to search on Saturdays and Sundays for the one thing I missed so badly. Even though I had no memory of what it was, it drove me crazy.

~ Condition One: Temporary Loss Of Memory ~

It was a few months later and my shift had been moved because someone in the store I worked at had been sick. So I went on one of my strolls, when it started raining. At first, I ignored it, being utterly engrossed with my neverending task of running around, but then it poured down so badly and I had no other choice but to enter a rundown store. Feeling defeated once again, I looked around and suddenly everything I needed to know came back to me. The memories started rushing in and it felt amazing. Before I had believed I knew happiness but the feeling I had by only looking on his back crushed my previous definition of that word completely. I was feeling giddy and could hardly stand still. More than that, I wanted to dance, to sing and so much more. Instead I composed myself and asked – with the most normal voice I could possibly muster in such a situation – if the seat at the table of the blond guy was already taken. He answered in my favour and I sat down, waiting for him to finish reading his stupid newspaper. An eternity – maybe two minutes – later, he folded it together, put it away and then our eyes met.

The man in front of me was handsome and adorable at the same time. He had beautiful brown eyes and even though his blond hair had some white streaks, his face was almost free of wrinkles. His physique was of a strong but slim man still in his best years. On a closer look, I noticed the rings under his eyes. While I was taking in what I saw, he probably realized who was in front of him. My appearance, when compared to my previous self, hadn't changed much and I saw the recognition in his eyes as well as his facial expression changing from disinterested into disbelieving and suddenly he looked like he was about to cry. He was totally rattled and just too adorable like that. I thought about teasing him a bit but then again, just by being here, I probably made him believe in ghosts.

"What's your name?" was the first thing I heard him ask.

Though... a tiny bit of teasing wouldn't hurt, would it?

"One should introduce himself before…" was my remark but before I could finish it, he interrupted me.

"Heiwajima Shizuo."

"Nakura Izaya."

A waitress came to our table and took my order. He seemed to be quite interested in her at first, but after a few seconds all of his attention was back on me.

After almost 20 years of thinking about and mourning Izaya, I had already given up any expectations for my life. There wouldn't be anything worth doing or achieving. The worst thing that could happen to me had already happened a long time ago and the memory of it had neither been fading nor hurting less at any time. Just a few nights ago, I had once again awoken from the nightmare of reliving his funeral. Having this person actually sitting in front of me right now wasn't only unbelievable, it actually was slowly erasing all those days where I didn't want to dream, didn't want to wake up and preferable just cease to exist. For the first time in more than a decade, I was excited but it simply could be a mistake on my part. He had to be a relative of the original Izaya.

"Assuming you're not a ghost or a hallucination, who exactly are you? A relative to the Oriharas?" I dared to ask.

At first the doppelgänger version or whatever just looked baffled but then his almost eery smile returned quickly.

"In my previous life, I most certainly was related as my own surname was Orihara. Right now, I'm actually not quite sure and I'm not eager to find out either. What I am would describe me the best. You may find it hard to believe but I am the reincarnation of my former sick and therefore boring self who had the misfortune of experiencing nothingness. And that's where you join the equation. You..."

I had to interrupt him once again. He was telling me that he actually was... What he telling me was that...

"Don't fuck with me! You don't make any sense!" I was on my feet before I knew it and continued without even knowing what I wanted to say.

"What makes you think you have the right to – the right to come here and talk such shit? Do you even know what you're doing there? What it does to me?"

I was on the verge to loose my mind. Why had I allowed myself to think even for a split second that it was actually him? He was dead. He died in his hospital bed without waking up once. He died. There was no way around it... Reincarnation? Yeah sure.

"Tell your fairytale to someone who actually wants to hear it!" were my words before I threw some money on the table and walked away as fast as I could.

'Well that went well', I told myself but who was I kidding? I wouldn't have believed it myself. Maybe, I had thought, he would give me more time to explain but I got shut off before I could mention any of the things making it actually possible for him to believe me. I underestimated his temperament. Then I stood up and left the store in an attempt to follow him. I didn't want to loose him now that I had found him. Upon reaching the corner of a building next to the nearby crossroad, I saw Shizuo entering a company building. After half an hour of waiting for him to come out, I decided it to be his workplace and went home for a hot shower and a change of clothes. Even if he tried, there was no way I'd let him escape.


End file.
